Sunday, July 26, 2009

The art of letting go

Many days has pass and I feel like I'm not doing any good so far. Perhaps because this song has captured my heart that I haven't felt in my entire life. I kept on listening to it and I tend to stitch every part of the lyrics on my heart. Maybe because I just want to keep on reminding myself not to commit the same mistake again or maybe I'm just losing my mind.

The name of the song is "The art of letting go" by Mikaila and it's true that, "When everything has change, the only thing that remains are memories", and memories are the reason why our anger, sadness, misery, and happiness keeps on coming back. I just simply want to stay on that circular event that I am happy, but no matter how much I try to think about it, only sadness is all I get in the end.

I realize now that we can't really hold on forever that is so precious to us. "You can never own something that was never yours in the first place", and let this be a reminder that we just simply borrowed it, not owning it. No matter how much we fight for it, we just keep on losing... So, I ask myself to stop gripping on things that is never meant to last forever. On my case, it's chained on my wrist that I can't let go...

"Our path is made up of destiny". The word "destiny", does this ring a bell to you? It's true, destiny can be good sometimes, yet, destiny can become playful. We thought that it was destiny that we learn to love, but what if destiny is just part of the game that the playful destiny create? And in the end, you realize that the person destined was never meant for you... "You were destined to fall in love and then leave you when you've already fallen.". So just to remind us, don't trust love stories that are destined as they are.

They say, "Love is forever.", but the truth is (now that I know), "Nothing last forever. Forever is a lie. Everthing is Transitory.", so if you had the chance, grab it! but keep in mind that you just barrowed it. One more thing to note is that, if you think that your heart have already beat faster, it is wise to stop for a while and give your heart a moment--- to breathe. My guess is, it is better to weigh our decision from our reason rather than from our emotions... because if you think about it, "the saddest thing can happen is when one falls in love, while other wants nothing more than just friendship...".

Besides than that, "Love can be magic", but you know what, magic can be an illusion! You can become part of the show, and that, you are the victim, you are the fool. There are times that I want to limit my emotions, so that my heart will not experience pain and sadness. But it also drag me to my fears that by doing it, "I will never feel the love and be love in return". Now, which will you choose? A heart that is whole but numb? Or a heart that's broken but real? Whichever side we are on... It scares the crap out of me...

Now, some might think it is just an excuse to put away our misery. They may laugh at you, some won't believe you, others will be mad at you, while others pity you... All I can say that I feel sorry for them that they don't see the fact that "it hurts you even more to hurt someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt.". Especially when you can't explain to them why you tend to be off to your relationship or worst, leave.

Someday, we'll be looking back to those days when our hearts learn to love, hurt, and fight. Maybe, when the time comes we will just look at our old dumb self and just laugh at it, "realizing how stupid we are to fight for things that we knew that were not really meant for us". But I guess learning takes time, times heals of course, and mistakes makes our life's journey fun and challenging. Living our life is what we pursue and love makes the world go round. So I will take whatever pain it brings and swallow it up, even though it's hard to wait for something that I know will never happen... and it's even harder to stop when everything that I wanted is you...

To tell you the truth, I really miss the good old days that we are together. I miss our bonding moments, the way I flirt to you and tease at you. I miss the kisses, the hugs, the chitchats and the way we make love... But I guess it's better off this way and it is good that I experience what true love is. I thought I already experience everything from my past relationship but I was wrong, really wrong... And I guess, true love are not judge from how many kisses we do, how many embraces we give, and saying "I love you" to you ... but rather ultimately judge from how we respect them and giving them unconditional love.

Despite all the hardship that I'm pulling through with you...









...I'm happy...







































...and glad... glad that it happened somehow...




































































































that we've become good friends... and I'm thankful for it.
Take care Cha... I'm just right here...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Leaving

Dear Cha,

Its six days now since we broke up but I have no more grudge on your decision, it was YOUR decision after all and now I respect it. YES, I made a terrible mistake not to keep in touch with you in the coarse of our relationship but to tell you the truth Cha, our family is so broke at that time that I can't even afford to buy cellphone loads because I have save it for other expenses. I do the cheapest way just to keep in touch with you and that is YM! Messenger. Not to mention our scorching bills and debt. Even our telephone line was cut-off, even the the electric was cut-off. It was a headache on my part, as the only son, the Prade de Pamilya and I was struggling to reach you. My mother commit a lot of mistakes Cha, she tend to spend 80% on her wants and 20% on our needs and not sticking on the budget. She keeps on discouraging you about me, that I am not a good boyfriend for you and I am lazy, This is not true, its her personality and I can't blame her. It is also a shame to hang out with your berks at that time because the only money I have is 100 pesos in my wallet. I have to save for it for 1 week and that I fail my presence to your barkadas, that you have a boyfriend, that I exist...

Desperate, I decided to be off again for a bit to look for a job and I finally land it.
My original plan was, if I finally got my first salary, I'm gonna spend it with you! But it's so sad that I can't spent it with you now. Instead. At least you know the truth now, the WHOLE TRUTH why I was not giving you attention. It was a gamble on my part too Cha, to take the effort, but I keep always keep on saying that I can pull this off and "babawi ako".


I know you will hate me for this Cha for being persistent for the past 6 days. This my way showing my grave importance to you and I do hope that your new boyfriend is mature enough to understand my side of the story and handle your relationship. Men tend to do crazy things sometimes you know, and yes I'm crazy for creating this blog. All I wanted is to the tell the whole world how much I LOVE YOU!, tried my best to be at your level, exceed a lot of effort not to broke up with you and how much I really treasure our relationship in just a span of 1 month! I was expecting that I can make up for the weeks of negligence. But you make quick decision and it's quiet ironic that I was not given the chance to explain nor prove myself to you that I can do much better. I ask you to talk this out but you chose to ignore me. I can no longer reach you Cha.

I was about to tell you everything at the moment you said you will broke up with me. NAUNAHAN KO NIMO! WAAAAAAAA.....

Anyway, that's how life it is I suppose, you can't really tell what's in store for you in the future. And girls will be girls, I guess. Sala sa bugnaw, sala sa lamig.

I'm happy Cha as long as you are happy. I hope you already find the happiness you are looking for. I guess I'll be leaving now but I won't say goodbye to you. I'm just here Cha, if you are already calmed down, please grant me the opportunity to be back at you as friend if that is okey with you. And if you feel like talking, just give me a text and I'll call you back. Perhaps, now is not the right time, maybe our path will cross again someday, maybe not now, who knows... Like you always said, "Tan-awon lang...".

To sum it all up, What matter most now is we learn from those mistakes, OUR mistakes. Take good care of yourself Cha...
Anyway, Its my way of saying thanks to you. Have a smile, good luck and I'm leaving...

Yours Truly,
Ian

The Atheists and the Church

Dear Cha,

It was 3:00pm in Sunday afternoon. When I jump from my bed, grab my towel, and take a shower. 10 minutes later, I wear my jeans and my favorite red dickies t-shirt. I grab my watch and your present that you gave me in my birthday, a squared (more like an oblong), with a dangling letter with my initial on it. After that, I went downstairs and wear my pair of shoes, and left the house without saying goodbye to mama and her where I was going. You may thought that 'll go to the gaisano mall and loosen up a bit but instead, I went to the church....

After I have reach Sta. Ana Church, it was already 4:15am, 15 minutes left after the next mass, I take a seat where we suppose to usually seat in. When the mass has already started, the 3 girls beside me seemed to be curious why I didn't participate in the mass. I don't stand-up, sing along with the choir, I just sit there.

Little as they know Cha, I was an atheists, but you already know that, right? If they were on your part, why go to Church if you are not going to listen or participate in the mass, they might ask? The reason why some atheist go to church because they don't do the mass but rather they participate because someone motivates them. Believe it or not, it is generally an excuse or way so that both couples can be together. This is also true towards barkadas too.

But what is the reason why a person go to church even though he doesn't usually go to the mass... The answer is simple... Miracle. They tend to get such believing that its gonna happen. Hoping that you would be there... But in the end it is just a matter of false belief. I guess atheists still has their faith within them, it will just come out naturally and it's good to be human.

Anyway, I'm just here getting back to you.

Yours Truly,
Ian

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Miss Call Syndrome

Dear Cha,

Its 9:38am in the morning when I started to write this. Yet another gloomy day for me! Yesterday, I can't help myself thinking what you said on the phone. After many calls I made, I was able to reach you and hear your voice. Hard to admit, I struggle to listen well to what you said but I can't seem to understand due to the large crowd I'm in. I close my left ear to hear you much clearer but I still can't hear you and I started to get worried. I tried to move an inch on my spot but the moment I move we tend to lost our connection. And all I keep saying is, "Ha?", "Huh??", "Unsa?", "Asa ka karon?", "Dili taka madunggan...", I don't know what to do at that time and as the moment I say another word, you hang up. I tried to call you back but it seems you've turn it off...

My co-worker on my left buying her popcorn ask, "Unya nag talk na mo?", with a long face on the floor, I said, "... Wala...".

I'm taking assumptions now that maybe you said was you can't go because it's late or maybe your are arguing with me for being persistint, or maybe.... just maybe....

...
...
...

I can't tell.

Cha, I can feel that you to get irritated on my calls despite the fact that you need your space and your have work but please consider that this is the only way that I can reach you... If you don't want to talk to me at least I can hear your phone rings, a sign that you haven't left me... It would be much better if I can hear your voice, enough for my heart to beat faster, rush of blood and leap of faith. We get crazy because we cannot really tell what they feel on the other side, yes they say it but DO they MEAN it... I just can't bare to face what I am afraid off now. "Ambabaw na talaga ng pananaw sa sarili ko...".

I hope I can get in touch with you anytime soon. Take care Cha. I'm just here getting back to you.

Yours Truly,
Ian

Friday, July 10, 2009

7360

Dear Cha,

It's 7am in the morning, the sun does shine well today, still shady yet warm. As I walk my way through the house, I can't help myself being worried about my two sister, Sweety and Alpha. To tell you the truth, I haven't given feed them dinner, again... and when I look them they don't seem to be energetic like they are suppose to. Must be disappointed when there master keeps on skipping his meal. Not to mention all the thrash that have been scattered all over the floor by this two meddling dogs when I was away! I slightly got irritated and just walk my way through our main door and to expect another headache in the kitchen. There were left out dishes in the sink and two of my leftover food got spoiled. Just lost my appetite, I went straight to my bedroom, dive myself in the bed and just as the moment as I close my eyes and forget all the problem, another flash of events that's been bugging me... and that is, YOU.

It was you that I can't seem to work things like I suppose to before. It's like saying that every errands at home was so perfect only to find out that I left you out. Hating myself for being Mr. Perfect, I started to get restless, covering my face with a pillow, and moving body back in forth, side by side until I somehow touched an object.

It was my old Nokia 7360, the cellphone that's been with me for 3 years of ownership and negligence. Looking at it, I kind of feel sorry for myself for junking it and just to realize I need all the help I can have with it. I stand up from my bed, I grab a 100 peso bill, went outside, and load my cellphone worth 60 pesos. When I got the load, I went to my balcony hoping for a better signal, because my cellphone is a bit croaked now. When I got the ring of your cellphone, I take a deep breathe at the same time trying to recap and construct my words without any margin of error and jut to expect my batteries are all out! Pulling my hair out of frustration, I went back to my bedroom searching for that darn charger, got it plug, waited for 15 minutes, return back to my 7360 only to find out no charging bar movement at all! Starting to get ridiculous, I grab one of my mothers broken cellphone, starts improvising, and finally was able to charge my battery just enough for 5 minutes talk. I take another call, it rang and someone pick it up but it was not you, "The number you have dial is now unattended...", I know this is going to happen but I haven't given up that you will pick it up.

10 missed calls has pass and I started to get the fool out of me and finally the operator finally said, "The number you have dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area...", this is the cue to let me know that you have turn off your cellphone... maybe because you don't want to talk to me or just obviously busy...

Feeling down, all I can do is blame it to my cellphone and just let it die... Anyway, like I always say, "I'm just here getting back to you.".

Your Truly,
Ian

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Tears from the rain

Dear Cha,

Today is morning and it's Friday, it's dark, gloomy, and I'm glad to back at home in one piece. It seems like the sun won't shed any light for me. A lot has happen for us lately and I got the feeling it tries comfort me. Did you remember when I told you that I feel happy whenever it rains? I will jump to my seat, goes excited, chanting happily that it's going to rain. I don't know why I like the rain so much. Perhaps, the cold breeze that keeps me warm or the teardrops and sound of the rain that is hitting the floor? I just don't really know. But despite all this weather, the mood, nothing is more devastating when all your crystal moments which came down to earth falls, shattered to pieces. You struggle to get the pieces back, but there is nothing you can do and can be done.

Before my shift ends Cha, I can help myself being all emotional, unaware from my co-workers and I that I was already shedding tears on my cubicle. I went to the bathroom as fast as I can, trying to suppress all the tears coming, but everything just succumb me, my body goes numb, my whole face are tingling, I can't fold my fingers, my lips goes pale, my stomach being squeeze, I'm catching my breathe, the tears won't stop falling, and on my knees, weakened. This is the first time that happens to me and it is so unfair that I struggle to get back up nor control it. I touch my left chest and started mumbling, begging, "Don't do this to me!". I went inside the toilet, sitting there, tried to relax and finally get a hold of myself after 40 minutes. I then wash my face, trying to wash away those red eyes of mine. When I'm back at my feet, I slowly went inside to my office slowly looking at our office floor tiles, pretending to fascinate it and not looking towards my co-workers because I don't want them to notice how my eyes are red. I grab a seat and pretend like nothing happens.

Up until now I struggle to fight this emotion and I'm not sure if I can do this alone. I need to move, work, or talk random topics to my friends just to ease everything. I do found myself myself uneasy and irritated. I don't want this on the first place but I have to face them. The only weapon I have, is to write what I feel right now. Its like my personal diary, my way letting all letting it all out. Anyway Cha, I'm just here getting back to you.

Regards,
Ian

Choice and Reality

Dear Cha,

I know you made a decision that will crush someones heart but like they always say, "you gotta make a choice". And it is hard for me to accept that truth, it's like a smack in a face that this is reality and everything is "biglaan".
It's difficult to handle when your mind wants to drove you away but the heart keeps pulling you back.
I'm not sure if this message will convince you or change your mind but at least I express what I feel right now.
Anyway, I'm just here getting back to you.

P.S. don't hate me creating this blog or sending you message/post everyday. I hope you understand. You take care.

Regards,
Ian